In My Lifetime
by philalethia
Summary: Wufei makes fun of Duo's favorite television channel. Kind of silly.


Notes: Sort of an odd plot line…I got it while watching "Golden Girls" which is one of the funniest shows ever. It's one of my rare happy, non-yaoi fics. Anyway, I don't own GW, yadda, yadda. I also don't own any of the other TV shows or movies mentioned in this. With that said, enjoy and don't forget to review.

* * * * *

"_Lifetime, television for women_."

Wufei glanced up from his book and smirked at the TV screen and then at the braided boy who sat entranced in front of it.

"Television for women, Maxwell? I had no idea that you enjoyed watching onna's television shows."

It took a moment before his words entirely sunk in. Duo momentarily abandoned the movie to glance backwards curiously.

"What do you mean?"

"I think it is fairly self-explanatory. You are watching a station that was created especially for onnas."

His violet eyes remained staring at Wufei for a second of two before slowly returning to the screen, his face taking on a small frown.

"I still don't understand what's wrong with that," he muttered, taking the end of his braid and brushing it against his palm. "It's not as though it says 'No men can watch'."

"That is hardly the point."

"Then what is the point?"

"The point, Maxwell," he sighed loudly, "is what this says about your personality."

Duo's gaze left the movie once again to give him a puzzled look.

"What, that I watch _Lifetime_?"

"Precisely."

"And what exactly does that say about my personality?"

Wufei's grin faltered slightly, and he wondered how dense this boy could get. Did he not see the injustice of a 15-year-old _male_ watching women's television?

"Well, it says that Shinigami has a bit of a large…feminine side."

There was a pause while Duo's brain processed this comment, which took quite a while since his attention had been fully on the movie being played in front of him.

"Hey! Did you just call me a woman?"

The smirk returned, this time a little wider than before.

"Nothing gets by you, does it?" He paused to stare at the television critically. There was a courtroom scene, which wasn't what Wufei had expected at all from a woman's station. "What exactly are you watching that has you so enthralled?"

Duo shrugged and began to wave his hands vaguely as he explained. "It's a movie. This woman is accused of making child pornography because she takes pictures of her friend's kids, who just happen to not be wearing shirts. It's really a hell of a good movie…"

"Child pornography?" Wufei interrupted, raising an eyebrow at the other teen's back.

Quatre chose that exact moment to enter the room, a confused expression finding its way onto his face.

"Child pornography?" he echoed, silently hoping he hadn't heard right.

"Yes. Maxwell is watching a movie involving child pornography."

Quatre gasped and looked unmistakably horrified as the screen flashed an enlarged picture of two nearly naked children.

"It's not _that_," Duo assured the blond, who had fixed him with a disgusted glare. "It's a movie called _Snap Decision_, where…"

"Oh." The expression quickly disappeared from his face and, much to Wufei's surprise, melted into a smile. "I've seen that. _Lifetime_, right? It's an excellent movie."

"You've…seen it?" the Chinese boy stuttered.

"Of course! I love this channel!"

"See, 'Fei? I'm not the only one who watches it," he said with a wide grin, whirling back around to continue doing just that.

"You should try it sometime, Wufei," Quatre agreed as he took a seat on the couch. "You might find that you like it."

He looked nothing less than appalled at the suggestion. "I don't," he fumed, "I _don't_ watch onna TV!"

And with that, he stalked out of the room, leaving both boys to gaze after him in confusion.

* * * * *

The television incident remained in Wufei's mind for days after, although he really couldn't explain why. It seemed silly, really, that it should bother him as much as it did. And yet it did.

"Maxwell and Winner," he found himself mumbling every time he passed the television set.

Honestly, he wasn't entirely surprised that Quatre watched…_it._ He did have 29 sisters, and it was bound to rub off on him. But Duo…never would he have guessed that the boy who called himself the God of Death watched _Lifetime_.

Wufei shuddered just thinking about it.

After a day or so, he began to wonder what the other two pilots thought of this or if they knew at all. He paused in his pacing at this thought and mentally chided himself. He was speaking as if they had some horrid disease. If they wanted to watch such a TV channel, he reasoned, it was none of his business.

But really, two Gundam pilots…

He found himself wandering towards Trowa's bedroom, intent on getting his view on the subject.

"You want to know what?" the banged pilot asked, his visible eye blinking. He set his mask down, sensing that he would not have the change to finish cleaning it with the other boy present.

"Have you ever heard of _Lifetime_?" Wufei repeated as he leaned back against the wall.

Trowa was silent for a moment and seemed almost to be taking apart the question, trying to find alternate meanings.

"Yes," he replied finally. "The television channel that Quatre likes to watch?"

"And Duo," the Chinese pilot declared.

"Yes, I've heard of it." Trowa squinted slightly and cocked his head to the side. "You came in here to ask if I'd heard of a channel?"

"Have you ever watched it?"

"Yes," he replied hesitantly, wondering if Wufei had hit his head on anything recently. "I quite enjoy 'Unsolved Mysteries'."

Wufei's eyes widened and he struggled to speak, opening his mouth a few times and then closing it when nothing would come out.

"'Unsolved Mysteries'?" he finally said.

"Yes. Why?"

He didn't reply, only stumbled out of the room in shock. Maxwell, Winner, and now Barton. What next?

He sought out Heero next, knowing that if anyone shared his view it would be him. He found the pilot in the kitchen of the safe house, clicking away on his laptop. Wufei thought he saw a game of solitaire on the screen before Heero closed the window and fixed him with his patented Death Glare.

"Nataku," Wufei sighed, collapsing into one of the chairs and quickly sitting up when it threatened to tip over.

Heero raised an eyebrow almost as if to say "Huh?" which is exactly what it meant. It is a well-known fact amongst the pilots that Heero Yuy is beyond communicating with words.

"_Lifetime_," the Altron pilot exclaimed as if it should explain everything.

The other eyebrow followed the first. "Lifetime," he repeated, not allowing his voice to reveal his bewilderment.

"Television for women."

Wufei could have sworn he saw Heero's eyes widen slightly before a hand swiftly reached out to cover his forehead, obviously checking for a fever. Wufei jumped back and glared at the other teen.

"What the hell are you doing, Yuy? I am not ill!"

"Hn. You are acting it."

"I am most certainly not," he stated with a scowl. "Barton, Maxwell, and Winner all watch _Lifetime_, and I can't understand it. It is a woman's television station, and none of them are women."

Heero blinked but continued looking impassive as ever. Facial expressions are another thing that Heero Yuy is beyond.

"So?"

Wufei scowled even more. "So. You do not see the injustice."

"I don't," he agreed.

"You have seen it," he guessed, frown turning deadly.

"I have."

"And what do you think?"

Heero averted his gaze and began tapping away on his keyboard once again, mumbling something almost inaudibly.

"What was that, Yuy?"

The Wing pilot glanced up, his eyes shooting silent warnings through Wufei's. "I said that 'Designing Women' isn't half-bad."

The chair Wufei was sitting in promptly tipped over.

* * * * *

"Maxwell, Winner, Barton, and Yuy," he muttered.

Wufei had begun to wonder if maybe _he_ was the abnormal one before he realized how preposterous that was. He briefly considered that the enemy had invented a new poison and infected the other pilots. After a minute of two he rejected the idea, ashamed of his imagination.

Just when he thought the situation could get no worse, he had woken up that morning with the strange urge to see just exactly what they all saw in such a station.

Which explained why Wufei was flipping through the channels in search of it. He found it quickly, thanks to the program guide that he had earlier considered useless.

His interest perked when he saw that the show being played was the one that Heero spoke of: "Designing Women". He clicked the remote control and settled down in the couch, eyes narrowed, and stared intently at the group of women who appeared on the screen.

After a few minutes Wufei found himself smirking at the fight being played in front of him. It was the eternal debate of men versus women, a subject that the teen found quite enjoyable. He sighed contently and mentally cheered on the men.

"_…in general_," the woman on screen, who seemed to be named Julia, roared angrily, "_it has been the men who have done the raping and the robbing and the killing and the war-mongering for the last two thousand years.... and it's been the men who have done the pillaging and the beheading and the subjecting of whole races into slavery. It has been the men who have done the law making and the money making and the most of the mischief making! So if the world isn't quite what you had in mind you have only yourselves to thank!!_"

Wufei growled deep in his throat as the studio audience erupted in cheers. He suddenly wished that he could be transported into the TV. Then he'd show Julia something about men.

"_Oh yeah?_" Julia's boyfriend said, just as angry "_That's what you think about men? Well let me tell you something about women._"

"_What?_"

"_They're always late!_"

Wufei felt as though he should be horror-struck. This man obviously was a weakling who could not even defend his own gender competently.

Yet the Chinese pilot couldn't stop the slight smile that formed on his lips, and he felt a laugh beginning in his stomach.

"'Fei!" Duo called as he waltzed into the room, Heero in tow. "We were just wondering if you'd…"

Wufei all but fell off the couch and struggled to grasp the remote so that he could turn off the television, not wanting either of them to see what he'd been watching.

"I was flipping through the channels," he declared, seeing Duo give his actions an odd look. "I most certainly was _not_ watching onna's television! So don't stare at me like that!"

With a final glare, he stalked out of the room.

"He's acting very peculiar these days," Duo commented after hearing a door slam shut. "Maybe he should see a doctor."

"Hn." Heero flipped the TV back on and his lip quirked up when the screen focused. Without moving his gaze, he slid into the couch and began to watch the show, his eyes glittering happily.

* * * * *

"_In my lifetime, we will find a cure._"

"Television for women," Wufei mocked, making sure to keep his eyes on the page in front of his nose. He did not want to look up; he did _not_ want to look up…

"Wu," the braided boy said, shooting him an annoyed glance, "I understand that you don't like watching _Lifetime_, and I'm not forcing you to. You chose to read in this room when you knew that I'd be here, and you are free to leave the room because I'm not budging. 'Golden Girls' is my favorite show, and I won't miss it because of you."

Duo turned back in a huff, his plait flipping around with him.

Wufei glared at his book, determined not to glance at the television screen. He was tempted to, but if Duo caught him watching…

He would never let him live it down, especially after all of the comments he'd been making lately.

So instead he stared intently at the words in front of him, not paying any attention to what he was reading, and listened to the TV.

Not that he was actually interested in what was happening on it or anything. It's just that Duo had the damn thing on so loud; he couldn't help but listen to it.

"_You know, girls, we are going on a romantic cruise with Jeff, Rich, and Randy, and we may need to bring... you know... protection_."

"_What do you mean?_"

"_Two armed guards, Rose. No, Blanche was talking about what's over there, those…_"

"_A Hershey bar?_"

"_Over one._"

"_A pack of gum?_"

"_To the left._"

"_Hair dye?_"

"_CONDOMS, Rose, CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!_"

Wufei's head snapped up just as Duo erupted in giggles. Once again, he felt as though he should be disgusted. Discussing such a private matter on television…it was dishonorable. But yet, once again, he felt the corners of his mouth quirk up into a smile. He felt a laugh inching its way up his throat, and he tried his hardest to suppress it. Must not crack, must stay strong…

He let out a loud snort that surprised even him.

"'Fei, are you…" Duo paused to glance back at the Chinese boy but stopped once he saw him, shoulders slumped, hand clenched over his mouth, shaking slightly. Very slowly, Duo began to smile mischievously. "Why, Chang Wufei, I don't believe it! You actually finding humor in an _onna's_ television show," he mocked, grin growing by the second.

Wufei began to stammer a response, but before he could so much as utter a word Duo had abandoned the TV set and practically leapt over to the couch.

"Oh my God! Now we can really _bond_ over something!"

Wufei cringed, fearing that the other boy would envelop him in a hug at any given second.

"Don't worry, Wu, I have so many tapes of movies, 'Golden Girls', and 'Designing Women'. Hell, I even have some 'Murphy Brown' when it was on," he chattered incessantly, hands waving like made. "When I'm done with you, the words 'St. Olaf' will send you into fits of laughter!"

He felt dizzy as Duo put his arm around his shoulder and stared wistfully at the air in front of them. This could not be happening.

Suddenly Duo jumped up and scampered towards the direction of the bedrooms. "I'll be back in a minute or so. Then we can watch 'Intimate Portrait'," he said. "Not a very good show, but some of them are worth seeing…GUYS! You will not believe it!"

The house echoed with his singsong chorus of "Wufei's watching _Lifetime_".

The boy slumped even further on the couch and began to plot a certain violet-eyed teenager's death. It was his fault this all started in the first place. If he hadn't have been watching that movie…

He glanced up at the TV and gave it a menacing glare, realizing that it was an inanimate object and, quite frankly, not giving a damn.

"_Lifetime_," it declared, and Wufei could have sworn it was mocking him, "_television for women_."


End file.
